You can tell a lot about a person by the way they build a snowman. My wife was going through some old family photos and she came across two pictures of snowmen we built one winter’s evening. I have to laugh because it’s obvious to me, one builder has OCD while the other is an alcoholic.
Can you tell which is which?
Tags: Humour
I did a little digging today and much to my surprise, I could find no record of copyright for the word, and idea of ‘God.’ Nor were there any pending patents or registered trademarks using ‘God’ either. Wow, you’d think the church would have figured out the marketing potential years ago!
That’s it. I’m putting everyone on notice - as of today the word and concept of God© and all it’s meanings are now mine. I‘m also claiming Yahweh©, Jehovah©, Theos©, Allah©, Jumala©, Kami©, Gud©, Krishna©, Vishnu©, Shiva©, Ganesha©, Zeus©, King of Kings©, Lord of the Hosts©, the Holy Ghost©, The Man Upstairs©, Oh My God©, God Dammit©, Thank God©, For God’s Sakes!©, God Bless©, God Forbid©, God Help You©, God Willing©, and May God Have Mercy on Your Soul©. I’m sure I’ve forgotten quite a few there, but I’ll make sure the lawyers sew it all up for me in the next few weeks.
You All Owe Me a Gazillion Dollars
I plan on following the lead of the RIAA. What a shining example of how efficiently our legal system can bring the great unwashed masses to their knees. You unenlightened pagans have no right stealing my ideas. If you use my intellectual properties without express written consent (and wads of cold cash), I’m going to sue your asses into oblivion. If you share my IP with others, I’ll take you to court too. By sharing, I mean leaving the word of God out there in the open where others might read it without paying for it. I know ideas are useless unless shared, but I’m going to sue - just because I can.
* By my estimation, the churches of the world owe me trillions. I will easily rake in billions every Sunday and on all the religious holidays - God is Great!© In an effort to stem their losses, churches will be forced underground and set up websites with hip, yet ridiculous, made-up names. Look out for domains like “GodzillaTorrent.com”, “BabbleBible.net,” or “Hellfirewire.org.” (note to self: must register these domain names today!)
* Soul music will become the new cash cow.
* Meters and rootkits will be installed on every copy of the Holy Bible, Koran, and Torah. Monthly subscriptions fees and pay-per-use schemes will be implemented immediately. Hackers who disable or uninstall my devices will be sent directly to hell.
* Buddhists don’t believe in God© so they’ll be of little use to my marketing plans. Until such a time as I can profit from their beliefs, we’ll make every effort to have them marginalized in the media and ostracized by their peers. There’s no such thing as a free ride, people!
Not bad for a day’s work. All I have to do is sit and wait for the cheques to start rolling in while real artists and creators do the dirty work of paying for my next vacation.
Tags: Humour
Here’s my current top 5 list of lies, schemes, ploys, and lingo that drive me nuts.
• “Low-fat foods, low-carb foods, and calorie reduced foods are healthy.” I accidentally purchased low-fat cheese once. It tasted like a combination of ear wax and vomit. Do you know how low-fat foods are made? The fat is replaced with sugar, chemical additives, gums, binders, and salt. Cigarettes and gasoline are low fat, but that doesn’t make them healthy either.
• “Think Outside the Box” - You might as well scream “I’m a twit!” This phrase usually comes from the least qualified person in a meeting with absolutely nothing new to say. The next time I hear you say “Think Outside the Box,” I’m going to set fire to it, and bury you in that damned box.
• “A New Paradigm” - “Think outside the box”, for mediocre, 50 year-old MBA’s.
• “Synergy” - When two or more groups come together and produce a combined result greater than the individual parts, it can be called a synergy. When big, slow corporations run out of steam, they resort to acquiring smaller, more dynamic companies. Then “synergy” means, “Give us your assets, your talent, your ideas, and you can keep your job. Give us time to improve your systems and crush your spirit.”
• Stock photos of happy business people shaking hands, leaping over bushes in three-piece suits, and sitting on the mountain tops while checking corporate email. What the hell are these people supposed to be doing? I’ve never checked email on a mountaintop and I certainly wouldn’t be jumping around in a suit either. Obviously someone is, because ad agencies keep buying junk like this.
Tags: Humour